That's What She Said

I know I'm supposed to hate "That's what she said" jokes, but it's never failed to make me laugh. 

"The Other Guy"

Getting hit in the face isn't the worst part of getting a black eye.  It's much more painful for every person you talk to to ask, "Hey, what does the other guy look like".

For the record - he looks great.  While he was giving me the black eye I was too busy getting a black eye  to give him one.

"I've Got a Keg"

Don't mention a six-pack in any context unless you want to hear, "I don't have a six pack, I have a keg".  The soft-in-the-middle person will then pat their flabby stomach and chuckle heartily at their own ingenuity.

Why are you calling attention to your worst feature?  If I was Quasimodo and someone mentioned backs, I wouldn't direct everyone to look at my horribly malformed spine, I'd probably try something along the lines of "....backs are OK but how are you at ringing huge bells?? Because I'm really good at it".

"Nope"

How many times have you had this interaction?

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

BOB and his date are eating dinner.  Their food has arrived but their is no Ketchup at the table.  The WAITER walks by and Bob motions to him.  He approaches.

BOB

Hey, I'm sorry, if it's not too much trouble could you bring us some Ketchup?

WAITER

Nope.

Internally the waiter laughs and laughs hahahahahahahahahaha lolololol rofl.

WAITER

Just kidding. Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Hilarious! Do waiters think that's going to earn them a better tip? Or that "joke" is amusing.

I'm sure it's a boring job and you just want to liven it up a little.  But that "joke" is so stale.  So how about mixing it up a little, and instead trying...

to go get my dang ketchup.

No joke necessary.  I came to enjoy a sandwich, not the comedy stylings of a 28 year old waiter / drummer in a dave matthews cover band.

"Off like a Prom Dress"

When I hear, "I'm off like a prom dress" I assume that person didn't have a date to the prom.  On prom night I'm sure you were off playing video games - unless there are prom dresses in the Modded version of Quake you were playing.

Thanks for hanging out, but i have some errands to run - so I'm off like an Orange rind in a scurvy outbreak.

"C'mon Global Warming"

Winter is cold, get used to it.  When you say, "Hey I thought there was supposed to be Global Warming", "What's up global warming", or "Pick it up Global Warming", it's not cute.  If you can't handle the cold weather, move to California.

Stop encouraging Global Warming, which is also an endorsement of the planet being drowned by the Polar Ice Caps.  You should be so lucky that it's so cold out there your balls turned into Test-cicles.